I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
i am craving dick and cupcakes
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
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