I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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