Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
Randomize
