I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
