I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
Randomize
