My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
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