My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
We smell like vodka and hangover
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