It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
the cops accepted 42 wallaby way Sydney. and the cops, and cab driver accepted the new address. please tell the win i am experiencing
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
Randomize
