You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
you only had a canadian ten, but you said it was all good cuz you would just by molson.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
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