Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize