I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
Hopefully the semester will be over before she has a breakout. Then I can just avoid the situation entirely
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
Randomize
