I wanna put my baby in that!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Ew you even made it your fb status
Ppl probably think ur having a kid
I hope
Love having children with random chicks
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
Randomize
