I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Randomize
