There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
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