It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
Randomize
