we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
