and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
I jusy said out loud "gingers unite in the middle of the night"
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
Randomize
