someone threw a dead crab at me
Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
