My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
No you are right. With a nickname like Monster Cock, you shouldn't expect him to want to "just talk". I'd be insulted too
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
