I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
all the douches that like ed hardy are the same douches that were obsessed with lisa frank
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
there is puke in my bra ... again
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
Randomize
