Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
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