The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
