Donna and I are betting on whether or not you are going to cheat on your boyfriend tonight....I said you wouldnt do it.
You might as well just give her the money now.
And that's when I found out that Patrick wasn't in fact down with O.P.P.
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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