Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
she went to type in rate my professors and rate my pussy came up in my recent searches. needless to say, i will likely be masturbating to the aforementioned site tonight.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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