Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
Randomize
