So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
so do the steelers give the refs blowjobs at halftime or after the game?
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Randomize
