I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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