Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
You dont lie about slip and slides
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
