I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Randomize
