the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
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