I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
what happened last night??
everyone saw ******'s vagina
and that's just the beginning
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
