i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
Randomize
