Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
I was looking threw the photos on my phone. There is 8 different ones of us peeing on things.
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
Randomize
