when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
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