insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
Randomize
