He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Randomize
