it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Randomize
