your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
I dunno. The only plans I have for sure after finals are smoking a bowl and eating a 5 pound gummy bear. btw I bought a 5 pound gummy bear
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
Text me some of your sweat
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
Randomize
