Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
Randomize
