My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
