So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
Randomize