tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
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