"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
Randomize
