U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
Why the hell does jager make you get to the point of having to army crawl around cause you cant feel your legs and scream jaga bombs when puking??
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
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