Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Randomize
