I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Randomize
