Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
Randomize