I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
