someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
Randomize
