yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
