I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
Pregaming class all semester has made this final review session more like my introduction to the topic.
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
