i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
Randomize
