At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
