New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
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