Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Randomize
