I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
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