When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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