I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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