So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
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