Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
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